First Deployment

Fifth day out to sea on my first deployment and I think I'm already getting into the swing of things. We were treated to steak and lobster this evening for holiday routine and that made up forthe first part of my day. Nothing bad had happened, I was just thinking too much about how much I miss and expect to miss the things I love. It's hard to imagine how much more difficult it will get when I consider that this is only the fifth day of many more to come. At least it's a special deployment in that a lot of the time isn't spent underway but it will surely still feel like a long time without my wife and son.

Say yes.

"They want you or they don't... say yes."

Out to sea

Underway for the first time and it's not as bad as I imagined. Still, time moved slow even if it was so short for a first time out. I'm not looking forward to the longer ones.

Looking for the west.

Well. My world has changed... and as I write this and attempt to think of things to complain about I remember that I'm not the only one dealing with drastic change. I'm unsure about what I've gotten myself into and I wonder if I can trust this company and my many bosses. I play out the worst in my head and have to convince myself that this will get better... that right now, this is as bad as it gets. The worst of it is the longing to be with my wife and my son. I miss them so much.
In three weeks the second stage of these adventures will end and I hear the next will have me living again with some normalcy which includes the company of my family. Currently however... with unknown destinations and a sense of answers coming any day now I'm insecure and distraught at the possibilities. Please say I'll arrive somewhere we can bare. Please say we'll reside in the west.

Hoping for the best

In a week I will find out if I finally get the chance to live up to all of my promises. I've ironically been burdened by an unlucky condition that I shouldn't have to be embarrassed about. It's ridiculous that the well-being and future of my family depends on trivial things. All I can do is hope for the best...

Oh Charlie Brown...

Barack Obama is Charlie Brown and the Republicans are Lucy. Charlie keeps trusting that Lucy is going to hold the football steady so that he can kick it away but time and time again Lucy takes the ball away at the last second and he falls flat on his face. Charlie, Lucy is not to be trusted. She will disappoint you every single time.

Black Friday!!!

After resting from a doubly thanksgiving with first Alyssa's family and then my own, me and my mom woke up at 4am to head out and check out this years consumer deals for the biggest shopping day of the year. There was an attempt to convince Alyssa to join us but after the experience I'm sure she would have been just as irritated as she told me she would be if she had gone. It was crowded and cold but crowd's don't get to me as much as her so I wasn't really bothered by that. My mom was in awe over her first Black Friday experience and she's a sucker for a good deal so off we went. She went on somewhat of a spending spree but made off with some great deals and I'm thinking she'll be a Black Friday shopper from now on. We hit Wal-mart and Best Buy and I have to say Wal-mart's experience was much worse than the latter. I was just glad to get home afterward and get back to sleep.

A head so clear and lost.

So soon enough all the promises and there there's will be put to the test. I will be watched from afar and my great self-made expectations will, with crossed fingers be nothing short of successful endeavors. I go into these new chapters with reluctant hope and exaggerated strength but I will hold this head high and expect tall challenges. I know there will be times when I want to give up but I must always remember that this time, I can't. There is no panic button anymore and any attempt at pressing it this time would surely mean that I am not worth as much as I or anyone else had ever hoped. I want nothing more in these final months than to forget my journey ahead and entertain myself with the usual tools of distracting things but no longer do I have the ability to remove myself from those thoughts with my new clear head.

Wash me away

I just love the rain and not just because I miss it. I like the smell of a drenched earth. The absence of dust. The tapping of sheds. The sense that its acceptable to seek shelter.

shoulders up

shoulders up, head down
to that place that i found
in the start, when my heart
was bulletproof, but now

against the walls with my fears stacked up around me
she wont gamble on me

i renovated, my escape its
hard enough to lose the first
as i burst this little curse
it could we worse they spoke in tongues

that i'd embrace him so i read about the future
turns out better than that

so much better than that.

Like Sand

my heart struggles with the roar of trumpets.
our greatest moments are in the shadows.
our worst are jotted down to memory.

a perfect white canvas in queue to download the bipolarness of the world.
can i teach my wonder of it and expect there to be any joy left?

my beloved companion who forced herself with me...
i do love you.
but my tainted and criss-crossing legacy fills me with regret.
i cant correct my pasts and in him I wont.
his quest isn't mine.


these drifiting thoughts of drivel often fly like sand.

Transparency

as the the future becomes more or less known its inevitability is exponentially less transparent.

what voice becomes my guide when my reign of tourism ends.

who will play me lullabies when i refuse to lose myself in those dark rooms.

those thoughts that baked me in the oven of my self-provoking demise are just obstacles i recall in memory.

i still see myself as a canvas and this world wouldn't be so close to me if it was for wasting.

i am unafraid of risk. i just ---- for those that get in its way.

leveling out.

sense grows as dust settles at the feet of doubt.
a few stray specs hover to remind me of how i was so weary.

then she casts the word perpetual and i am taken.
forever forgiving we meet wisdom in our mutual futures and their unknown branches.

let me frame these moments in forever so that they may guide us to the sturdiest limb.

I didn't go to church, church came to me

I took a smoke break from dinner at the Mongolian Grill. A mustached-guy came outside to join me and he seemed friendly enough. "Happy Easter", he said. I repeated the words back to him. Then he started to ask me questions about how I felt about the holiday and I replied, "I'm not particularly fond of it but it's a good excuse to get dinner with the family." For some reason this sort of angered him. He told me I should be thankful because Jesus Christ died for our sins. He went on for about a minute before I decided I'd had enough and cut my cigarette time short. I left him with a "Hope your Easter ends well."

and YOU digress.

I look upon your digression as a block of ice for which I press my heart to thaw.